Digital Ghosts
Old voice-mail messages, e-mail exchanges and the like make it easy to preserve a loved one past death. But when is it time to hit "delete"?
Admit it, we've come to depend on digital technology. It's the connective tissue that binds us to family, friends and our communities. Internet, e-mail, text messaging, blogs and social networking all help us reach out to people, despite busy schedules and geographical distance.
However, there's an unexpected catch: death. The sheer ubiquity of the digital cookie crumbs left in the wake of losing someone can turn our deceased loved ones into ever-present digital spirits.
Digital hauntings
Take what happened to me last year. Out of the blue, I received a devastating phone call. My friend Jerry had been found dead of a heart attack in his hotel room, just shy of his 50th birthday.
Jerry was an irreplaceable part of my social life. We spent many hours together in Nashville clubs. I mourned him and continue to miss him. Except, Jerry keeps coming back.
Jerry has become a digital ghost in my life. His home, work and cell numbers are on my mobile phones; on some of these, when I scroll over his name, his picture pops up. I've also come across old voice mails and text messages from him.
Digital ghosts are becoming a post-mortem phenomenon. And a ghost can appear unexpectedly.
For anyone who's recently lost a loved one, it helps to be aware of all the virtual reminders out there, says Kathleen Dwyer-Blair, director of Long Island's Nassau Guidance and Counseling Centers. “It’s not that you’re not going to have an emotional reaction, but you’ll be better prepared to handle that reaction," she says.
And virtual ghosts reside beyond cell phones and voice mail: There's e-mail, digital photos and movies, YouTube, Facebook, Flickr — the list goes on.
A tangible connection to those lost
There's also the emotional value that we give these digital memento mori.
Virginia resident Janine Latus, 48, tells of diving into a freezing lake, fully clothed, after accidentally dropping her cell phone into the water. Of course she would: Her sister, Amy, who was murdered in 2002, still "lived" on that phone.
“I took a blow dryer to it, swabbed every contact, desperately trying not to lose my dead sister's telephone number,” she remembers. “In the end, I transferred all of the numbers to my new phone, including hers. I couldn't bear to let her go.”
