Rejuvenique Facial-Toning Mask (1999?)
Has Michael Myers risen from the dead yet again to wreak havoc on Haddonfield? No, it's much scarier than that.
It's the Rejuvenique, a facial-toning mask immortalized in infomercials by former "Dynasty" babe Linda Evans. The claim was that the mask's 26 gold-plated "facial cushions" would revitalize your skin via "light energy pulsation."
Also useful for terrifying small towns. Bloody kitchen knife not included.
When not attempting to define sleekness, contributing editor Dan Tynan slaves over his new geek-humor site, eSarcasm, coming soon to a Web browser near you.